Arelhope.com In the 2007 film You Kill Me, Ben Kingsley's character, Frank Falenczyk, is a recovering alcoholic and a professional hit man. The movie depicts him making his amends by sending SONY gift cards to the families of his victims. Courageous? Indeed. Using good judgement? Well, it is a comedy after all. I can't help thinking about how easy it would be to make amends like that in the real world.

Before embarking on making direct amends, I practice Step Eight as a way to end being alone, to lose fear of my fellows, and to improve my connection with God. Step Eight helps me become willing to make further changes by listing my mistakes and harms to others.

When carrying out Step Nine, I need to carefully consider those I have harmed and reflect upon each situation before directly admitting the damage I caused - whether it was to an employer (current or past), a family member, a friend or anyone else I had wronged. There are those, too, who have been on the receiving end of an amend who did not make it onto my grudge list when I did a Fourth Step inventory. I also have to remember the second part of Step Nine, which states "except when to do so would injure them or others." This includes me.

When it comes to a deep-seated hurt that I am responsible for and an amend must be done face to face, I first make a point to review it with my sponsor or someone who understands and respects the 12 Step program. Praying to God and asking for His help and guidance truly helps to give me the courage and strength to carry out what I must do in order to stay sober and serene, no matter what the outcome will be. http://www.arelhope.com/

God has a wonderful way of putting people in my path when I least expect it. One example that comes to mind happened after being sober for a couple of years, I saw an old roommate, one who had moved out on account of my very strange behaviour that was associated with my excessive drinking at the time. I took a moment to pray, then approached him and asked if he had a few minutes to talk. (I, of course, wanted to admit my faults from years previous and make amends.) His answer was "No, I don't have time, I have to leave." I had to accept that perhaps another chance would happen for me to clear the wreckage of the past situation with this person. It also indicated to me that I needed to let go of the fear relating to predicting an outcome.

This past week, after admitting my faults and attempting to clear away some wreckage with someone, I was told off and criticized and must admit that I felt worse than before asking to meet with the person. As difficult as it was to sit there while being judged and criticized, I humbly listened to what the other person had to say, without any reaction, waited for them to finish talking, then told them that what I needed to say had been said and thanked them for their time before leaving. It was a good reminder to me that I am still willing to continue to change, and that how another person reacts to an amends is none of my business.

I have also been on the receiving end of attitudes like "Oh, whatever. No problem." Sometimes it's good, sometimes not. Keeping it simple and direct helps me to stay on track and not lose focus on what I honestly need to talk about.

I have the chance daily to make a different kind of amend: living amends. To me a living amend helps me to be of service to the world I live in, outside of the confines of AA meetings, where effort and willingness help to connect me with others.

The focus on Step Nine for me is self-discipline. It is more than saying "I am sorry." It has nothing to do with asking for or wanting forgiveness, either. It has freed me from the obstacles of my past mistakes in a miraculous way.

My life has changed and continues to change. I have opportunities now to mend fences instead of burn bridges, and when the ill will that poisoned me for years is washed away, existence becomes peaceful. If I am honest about the amends I make and work Step Nine as long as I must, I will truly know a new freedom and a new happiness.

I must also add that during my stay at Hope Trust, I was very impatient to make amends. My counsellor reminded me that Step Nine comes ninth, and there are eight steps before it. Like all alcoholics I am an impatient person and want things to fall in place fast. Also, in the initial stages when I came face to face with all the damages caused to my life including relationships, I had the irrational belief that if I said 'sorry', all will be forgotten, forgiven and repaired!

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